On Marriage

Greta and I went to a business trade show a couple of weekends ago. I had many conversations about marriage. There are so many points of views. I promised to share on my experience.

As we presented our approach to Marriage Enhancement, we experienced the thoughts of many people. We encountered bachelors, single people, begrudged monogamous couples and persons pledging never ever ever to get married again.

Not many people had anything positive to say about marriage. How disappointing. I love my marriage. I love the person, Greta, to whom I am married. I wish that everyone could receive the joy that I experience in my relationship to by friend, companion, partner, lover and truly helpmate. She is the queen of my soul, my motivation, inspiration, the mother of my children and truly my soul mate. I thank God for her.

This weekend affirmed and confirmed the work we are doing and our need to do it. So many men do not have a clue that their marriage is in trouble or at least they pretend that they don’t. They think that they are pleasing their wives when in fact they aren’t. If they could only remove their ego, stop being defensive and listen to their wife, they could be on the road to a move bountiful and blessed relationship with their wife.

Greta has shared, in previous writings, that she attempted to communicate her needs to me over the years, but when she did I either blew her off or responded in a defensive manner. As a result, she slowly began to shut down. It was not until she asked me for a divorce when I realized that I needed to change my behavior and that I needed to be more effective in conveying my love to my wife, helpmate and mother to my sons. I have listened and counseled many couples over the years. It has been my experience that couples need only stop and listen to each other as they give each other the benefit of the doubt and allow the other to speak honestly and openly from the heart. This means not getting defensive or judgmental.
It is important to keep in mind during heart conversations that you love your wife and that your wife loves you. It is important to remember that you were drawn together. It is important to know that it might hurt now, but as you have gotten through things in the past, you will get through them now. One of the many spiritual principles that Greta and I employ are the “Four Agreements” as presented by Miguel Ruiz in his book of the same name:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally.
3. Don't Make Assumptions.
4. Always Do Your Best.

We apply these spiritual truths as we seek to understand each other. Another often overlooked reality is that neither Greta nor I have the ability to read each other’s mind. Thus we ask questions regarding the other person’s behavior, feelings and thoughts. This causes us to risk ourselves and share our truths with each other. It causes us to listen without judgment and with patience. It causes us to partner and help each other experience happiness. It causes us to set goals, make plans and move in the agreed upon direction.

Too many couples are living separate lives in the houses they share and are not making their houses their home. Home is where the heart is, it is characterized by intimacy, love and all the fuzzy feelings that go along with it. Too many people disclosed that they do not communicate with their spouses and they are often traveling in two different directions. They view marriage as a chore and not as a pleasurable adventure. They lack fun, passion and spontaneous activity. Too many people were willing to share this type of information with Greta and me, but not with their own spouses with whom they have invested so much of their lives.

Many find themselves in a rut longing to get out, not knowing how. I was saddened as one person we encountered spoke of undergoing a divorce after twenty (20) years of marriage. My soul shakes as I remember the anger, hurt and disappointment he relived as he shared his ordeal with us. One brother shared with me that he didn’t need to read a book or need any help about marriage after being married close to twenty-five (25) years, while his wife shared with Greta how she was experiencing difficulty in her marriage. Based on the different conversations, it was as if they were not married to each other.

I was a bit amused by one gentleman who argued that it was unnatural for a man to have only one wife. He pointed to Africa and other cultures that practiced polygamy and after some verbal jousting; I was finally able to ask him how many wives he thought he should have? He replied, three. I asked him what was stopping him. It seems that beside it being illegal, his girlfriend wouldn’t allow it. I admitted to him that I could only handle Greta. She requires my undivided attention and affection.

Women too, lamented about marriage. They complained about dishonest, cheating, inconsiderate mates as did men. Everyone with whom I spoke focused on the physical aspect of marriage and considered sex, lack of or bad sex should be the topic of our conversation. Only a few understood that intimacy forged through open and honest communication was an attribute upon which a fulfilling marriage stands.

Good marriages are built on commitment, hard work and love. Good loving healthy marriages are possible and necessary. I recently talked with a single male in his early 30’s. In our conversation, he shared that if choosing a wife was like choosing clothes, he would have long been married. I took the bait and asked him to explain. He said that with clothes you can take them home, try them on, and if they don’t fit you can take them back. Though they shouldn’t, I believe that perhaps some people treat marriage this way, since well over half of all marriages end in divorce. Yet good marriages are desired and can be planned and lived out.

This also gave me insight into thoughts about marriage. Perhaps we think that we can custom order our marriage counter part and she/he will arrive with the specifications we request. People are not constructed in that manner and thus we must realize that it is we who construct ourselves and in so doing we have the ability to construct our marriage in the fashion we visualize. We must take responsibility for the power that we have to shape and fashion our own reality, which include our marriage relationship.

Greta and I treat our marriage as a spiritual practice. We live the spiritual principles we espouse. We look at how we can heal ourselves and work towards our own happiness as we journey together. We share openly and honestly, we love mutually and we respond in patience and love.

We believe these principles will help any couple be successful in marriage. We believe that too many people enter marriage ill- prepared and without common understandings, goals and expectations. Though most people enter marriage because they are in love and want to be with the person they marry forever, they fail to understand that they must work at making their relationship last and that they must re-create the love they experience over and over. Thus, they must make love on a continuous basis. Treating one’s marriage as a spiritual practice will build the foundation for love to be made over and over again.

Marriage is a dynamic organism; it lives and breathes rises and falls. It has it own ebb and flow as life. Thus it does not have to be boring. It can be a fun and joyous journey; these are just a few of my thoughts “On Marriage.” Thus I have decided that I am challenging Greta and me to share our message with fifty (50) married and fifty (50) engaged couple by the end of 2010. Please let us know if you are willing to help us prepare others, save and improve marriages as we follow God’s leading.