Pleasure is my Birthright

This is a powerful affirmation, especially against the backdrop of theologies that focus on pain and suffering. I have long been told and I am of the mindset that if a captor has a captive’s mind, they have absolute power over the captive.

To claim pleasure as your birthright is to confront the status quo and business as usual. It is to stop casting blame and to accept responsibility. It is to put in action those things you want to do and it is to put forth effort to make your dreams come true.

It is to live worry free, without shame, guilt and anger. It is to not be paralyzed and not stay stagnant unless you choose to do so. That brings me to Greta's question, "What is a wife responsibility in creating pleasure with her husband?"

I believe that it is the wife’s responsibility to share in creating a loving, welcoming fruitful environment for growth and pleasure. She owes it to herself, her husband and her children to be happy and receive pleasure. She owes it to herself, husband and children to be healthy and fulfilled. If Mama "ain't" happy nobody's happy. That’s true for the husband as well.

Thus, it is the wife’s responsibility to be real with her husband. She should share her passions and desires and invite her husband to participate and share in them. She owes it to herself to be open and honest with her husband. It was such a relief when I found out that wives actually like sex. It was helpful when we attended our first Tantric seminar to hear Pala tell other women that “Good girls enjoy sex and that you were not a “bad” girl because you enjoyed this connection with your husband.” It was further encouraging, revealing and uplifting to hear Pala tell other woman that they were responsible for their own sexual pleasure and happiness. A burden was lifted off of my loins. I no longer felt that I had to be super stud.

A wife needs to be free to tell her husband what she wants, likes and want to try. As she opens up herself, the husband must be receptive. He must be willing to listen, speak and act in love and respect. In marriage, the sexual connection is “one” of the most powerful communication vehicles between husband and wife. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual connection that should be honored and cherished. When shared in love, it can be nurturing, relaxing and exciting. It is to be seen as a joy and a privilege and not as a dreaded task.

In looking at sex in a Tantric point of view, lovemaking is a time for husband and wife to share in a life giving and co-creating activity. As one prepares for special events in one’s week, so should a husband and wife prepare for love-making. One should prepare for lovemaking, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Uninterrupted time should be set aside. No phone calls, faxes, texts, e-mails or any other distraction should be allowed during these sacred moments. This time should be set aside for mental, emotional, spiritual and physical pleasure. This is time set aside for physical exploration and mutual enjoyment. This is a shared privilege and a shared responsibility. It is one of the many benefits of being married. It is the wife’s responsibility to participate and facilitate this sacred meeting.

Marriage is a partnership and so it behooves husband and wife to know their own and their spouse's needs. The strongest needs are emotional as Greta has pointed them out. Understanding one’s own and their spouse’s needs will open the door for a husband and wife to give and receive bountiful pleasure. A mutual desire to meet the needs of one’s spouse will help them both to honor and live out their marriage vows.

Taking responsibility for one's own happiness relieves the other of the burden of trying to make someone happy. A husband cannot make a wife happy. She has to take responsibility for her own happiness. Conversely, a husband has to be responsible for his own happiness. Together they have the responsibility of articulating their needs to each other and devising a plan to mutually meet each other’s needs.

A husband and wife should respect and care for each other and want the other part of them self to achieve their goals and reach their fullest potential. They should be willing to work alongside the other and do what's necessary to help the other without anger, a sense of loss or subservience.

True love and partnership will require sacrifice from time to time. However in pursuing pleasure, a husband and wife can live in gratitude, grateful for each other and grateful for their love. They can be self-actualized and in doing so create an environment of mutual acceptance and respect. These are key attributes to pleasure and happiness. Most of these activities occur outside of the bedroom, however when partners know that their spouse has their back, it makes pleasure in the bedroom, much easier to share. They will have experienced and received pleasure, thus it is easier for them to give it. A major component of “Making love” is having the mindset to love. It is reciprocal; it is given and received.

Early on in our relationship, Greta and I began a competition of Love. We sought to prove who could demonstrate love the best. Thus we would surprise each other with various expressions of Love from note cards to flowers to phone calls, e-mails, texts and all sorts of small gifts which demonstrated our love and proved that we did not take each other for granted. These expressions continue to bring excitement, anticipation and pleasure to us both. They demonstrate care and nurture and meet several emotional needs and are precursors to love making. I would argue that they are in themselves acts of love.

The key to giving and receiving pleasure between a husband and wife is open and honest communication. Relationships comprise more than one person. Marriages involve both husband and wife. They must pray together, love together, work together, play together and thus live life together. As most marriage vows proclaim…. “Two become One.” When a husband and wife become One, all of life ebbs and flow are shared and celebrated. This makes pleasure and love.

A husband and wife must tell each other what they want. Together they must proclaim and agree that truly, “Pleasure is their mutual birthright!”

It is a lot of fun to journey through life with the one you love. You can make it an adventure rather than a chore. Greta and I have claimed it. I pray that you and your spouse will too. Pleasure is your birthright!

Yours truky,

Rev. Dr. Gary A.